Transfer News: Eto'o Fils drawn to Citeh

Every year at Domino Day in Leeuwarden, Netherlands, Mr Domino along with his team of steady handed fellows attempt to topple more dominos than ever before. Last year’s victorious attempt fell 4,325,027 dominos which was…brilliant. However this year without the knowledge of Mister Domino, Robin Paul Weijers, Man City are attempting to break that record. Their 25m domino offer for Samuel Eto’o Fils will knock over the widely sort after shiny David Villa domino in Barcelona, who’s very own Mr. Domino, Joan Laporta, will bring the Kerrison domino in from Palmeries. Valencia will be home to the Kerrison domino while he gets accustomed to living in Spain; then with Villa sold, Real Madrid’s collection of special Harrod’s hand-crafted dominos will then be able to be completed with French made Karim Benzema domino. Lyon will make do with equally skin-headed poacher Lisandro Lopez domino for Porto’s prime domino making outfit.

After a fantastic spell at Barca, Eto’o will see the move to City as one ‘to be part of a great project’ or ‘a new challenge’ both of those of course mean he would very much like to receive lovely cheque’s weekly in the mail for £250,000. This will soften the blow of not playing with his chums Thierry and Lionel, but will provide him the funds to buy many golden objects for his large Manc mansion. Hurrah for him.

In injury news the persistently crocked Michael Owen is still weighing up the offers from ambitious clubs all over the world as far afield as Hull, Stoke and…Hull. Meanwhile fellow ligament damagee Ruud van Nistelrooy may be sitting on the bench of Everton next year whose manager is sticking to his guns only looking at strikers who are equally incapable of playing a season’s worth of football as the previous ones. Ruud may also be tempted by a return to the Premiership to get injured at Ewood Park or the Britannia Stadium. Oba Oba Martins who definitely did not play in Nigerian youth teams with Babayaro making him 30, is also wanted by Tony Pulis to give him another shot in the Premiership. He is also wanted by…Hull. One player who definitely is not wanted by Hull or Stoke is Tony Valencia who will have to make do playing for Man Utd next season.

After the Confederation Cup unimpressive brute Jozy Altidore from New Joyzi is wanted by manager of the year Roy Hogdson to join his underrated Fulham outfit, Gilberto Silva has been talking up Arsenal to compatriot Felipe Melo and player of the tournament contender Piennar is wanted by Liverpool of all clubs.

Transfer News: Crimbo comes early as Santa goes to Citeh

Rocky Santa Cruz never scored more than 5 goals a season in his 8 years at German’s number one club. After a good first season at Blackburn he scored 19 in 37. His second season was riddled with injury so he only played in 9 league games. Putting all those facts together Man City see that as £18m well spent, so he will partner a £25.5m Tevez upfront in a genuine big man/little man duo. If they get off to a good start Citeh will be the closest team to the top four. If they don’t then they have triggered another recession. Once Citeh have bought those two Chelsea can finally make a big for a striker. Man City start the campaign with a game away to Blackburn, so Santa Cruz will make the headlines and put his former club to the sword with a header. They still need to sign a decent CB and Kolo Toure maybe to the next man to pull on a Citeh shirt. With Toure, Barry, Santa Cruz and Tevez, Hughes has gone for Premiership ready players to challenge for the title. If he doesn’t put up a fight this year the Abou Diaby group will bring in a foreigner to do the job.

Hull Citeh have offered Owen a deal based on games played and goals; on seeing this Owen’s advisors scoffed and announced he’d rather join Everton. Owen will soon be trading knee ligament stories with Louis Saha.

No-one is shouting “crisis” yet at Man Utd even after the CR7 went Carlito’s Way, but they are shouting things like “Ribery” and “Benzema”. Strangely this has been greeted by the words “No” and “Way” everywhere from Munich to Lyon.

At the Bridge, Ancelotti is still trying to work out the English for “scambio”, but as soon as he does he’ll ask Didier Drogba to ‘exchange’ shirts with Ibrahimovic. That all depends on the other interested parties of Barca and Madrid to give it the thumbs up of course, otherwise Ibra will be playing in sunny Spain rather than a gloomy London.

Spurs are ready to offload David Bentley whose time in North London was described as a nightmare. Not in the traditional cheese before bed and axe murderer dream sense, but more in the 1 goal in 25 games sense. Villa are readying themselves by checking his cupboards for monsters and putting on a night light.

Bentley's season highlight came after too much Red Bull and involved a skip

Middlesbrough sitting at the back of the class, have their head down, pretending to write as Villa, Sunderland and Liverpool ask them questions about Downing, Wheater and Tuncay. There's only so long they can get away with umm-ing and aah-ing before they can say “I don’t know” and start weeping. Newcastle sitting next to them have their hands firmly up meanwhile, as the rest of the Premiership ignores their efforts to dump their high waged squad on another ‘special child’. Seb Bassong is one who they would like to keep but his relative black-ness and French-ness makes him a target from North London’s red corner. Somebody forgot however to teach Newcastle mathematics as the 500k he arrived for last year multiplied by 24 in recognition of his abilities to help a club get relegated.

In non-Premiership related sports news, something to do with Tennis is happening and a Scotsman has the best chance to win since that Canadian which is all very good for the English. More transfer news in a couple of days probably with the words Citeh in there numerous times.

Transfer News: Vermaelen's Goon to Arsenal

Arsenal needed two players to challenge for the title in the coming season, a commanding centre-back and a ball-winning battler for central midfield. The first piece of that jigsaw Thomas Vermaelen has signed for the club for around £11m; he will have a medical and will be revealed to the Arsenal fans over the next week. As an Arsenal fan that move fills me with belief that Wenger sees the small problems and is dealing with them. A lot of people say Arsenal need a striker, those people are Man United, Chelsea and Liverpool fans who think big money signings are the only measure of a transfer. They have short memories and sit in armchairs watching Match of the Day nodding along to Mark Lawrenson. Eduardo will be back this season and will add competition to the striker force which has more options than any other top club. Arsenal fans should be happy that the club is being linked with Felipe Melo; he is a better player than Denilson, Song and Flamini.

Soon to be best mates, Thomas Vermaelen and Robin van Persie square off in the Champions League

Spurs are looking to raid Real Madrid for former Premiership players Gabriel Heinze and Arjen Robben. Robben didn’t like the Premiership because he couldn’t stand up to the physical nature and kept picking up niggling injuries. He doesn’t want to come back and will dig his heals in to stay in Spain even if Madrid force him out.

Spurs buy and sell lots of players which means they are difficult to predict year after year.
Chelsea, United and Citeh are playing a chess game with each other waiting to see who moves first. Don’t expect any signings for another couple of weeks.

Liverpool have money worries and Rafa has to sell to buy, Glen Johnson will be wearing red next season, Arbeloa will not. Chelsea wanted Johnson back to replace an outgoing Bosingwa, but Johnson remembers what playing at Chelsea was like. He is one of the best right backs in the Premiership and deserves to play at a top club. Mascherano is coveted by Barcelona because he is mobile and breaks up play, he would fit into their midfield better than Keita and Hleb.

Dad's Army

Chelsea’s moneymen demand results and the club demands to compete with the big boys of Europe in the Champions League, but there is an underlying problem at the Bridge…age. The clubs investment in players over the last couple of years has been in seasoned pros that have failed to bridge the gap, while both Liverpool and United have had a varied approach bringing in youngsters and experienced players. The Chelsea hierarchy deem anything other than winning a failure which has seen both Avram Grant and Big Phil Scolari on the chopping block for poor runs of results. All the while this has been happening the people in charge on operations have forgone the long term future of the club by persisting with an ageing side lacking the cut and thrust of the Premiership. Even Liverpool now have moved into position as the second side in the Premiership, as Chelsea’s former solid structure has looked a shadow of its former self.

Ballack is the Grandpa Joe to Roman's Chocolate Factory

10 of Chelsea’s first team are now 30 or older including their two mercurial strikers Drogba and Anelka, solid defenders Carvalho and Ferreira, and the midfield trio of Deco, Ballack and Lampard. Chelsea’s decline is not a confusion, it’s a problem that stems with a group ageing and complacent, finally seeing out the last few years they have at the top before they fall down the league ladder or retire all together. Don’t get me wrong hitting 30 doesn’t automatically mean your career is over plenty of players push well through that milestone still performing but with a different style and at a different level. Take Manchester United for example, who had 5 over 30’s that won the league this year, Van der Sar, Rio, Scholes, Giggs and Neville. Yet it’s arguable that Giggs, Rio and Van der Sar all performed to the highest standard they have in a Premier League campaign, with Giggs even taking the PFA Player of the Year award for his services. This is because Fergie knows how to use them; he’s able to get the best out of these older experienced heads by using them interchangeably with the younger, fitter and arguably hungrier players. Chelsea’s younger heads however never got a look in with the likes of Di Santo, Stoch and Mancienne left on the bench for the majority of the season occasionally getting their boots dirty in the last few minutes of games.

Chelsea need desperately to integrate younger players into their squad while the older heads are still around to show them the ways and values of the club otherwise that gets lost with a team of mercenaries as Man City hope to build. The Blues have to cut away the deadwood which has stagnated and got all too comfortable earning the most wages in the league and running a club which consistently mounts up debts. The likes of Deco, Carvalho, Drogba and Mineiro are already earmarked to be removed as Carlo Ancelotti takes the helm, but his rumoured replacements of Pirlo, Gattuso and alike are not the answer to the ageing team. Chelsea should sell Shevchenko, Drogba, Deco, Carvalho and Ballack and buy David Villa, Gokhan Inler and Yuri Zhirkov. Without these players Chelsea will lose ground on the rest of the big four next season.

Good Ridance

Fans throw around the term ‘traitor’ when a player moves clubs. More and more often these days as a cynical society, we see players linked with moves purely for more money. If a player moves from a small club to a big club then he’s slated for being greedy moving just to sit on the bench and if a player moves between big clubs he’s slandered for leaving his breeding ground. Fans expect players to be loyal throughout their careers only moving once they have proved themselves or their progression has grown further than the club.

This transfer window, one of the major moves has seen good old ‘Mr Villa’, former captain Gareth Barry move to the bright lights of Sultan Citeh. Barry had a fantastic 07/08 season, which led to a certain Rotation Rafa to slowly stalk Barry like a curb crawler looking at a combative midfielder style hooker. Now well within his rights after 11 years of service to a mid-table side like Villa, Barry read ‘The Sun’ gossip column everyday and awaited Rafa’s call which came with a price of £12m, alot less than Villa wanted. At this point Barry decided that the move away was vital to his career and he wanted to play in the Champions League, causing a big fuzz resulting in negotiations between the club. Villa rejected these "below the asking" price bids, Barry had a tantrum holding onto Martin O’Neills leg as he dragged him around kicking and screaming. This left moaning sod Barry to be stripped of the captaincy and generally hated by Villa fans for being a twat. I do have some sympathy for GB on that point as the move did come about after Pool enquired and I’m sure he thought the deal would be completed, but there is still little excuse to behave in a way more befitting of a weasel. After a season of slightly less plaudits, Barry’s desire to join the top four was again seemingly a matter of who rather than when. Arsenal buzzed around with the intention of partnering him with Cesc and Pool considered their options again. It came as a surprise then, as Barry decided to leave the Europa Cup placed Villa to join last season dictionary definition of mid-table Moneybags FC in what he claimed was a positive career move for a club going in the right direction. Now I’m sure Mr Barry’s 100k a week wages will sooth the pain of not playing in the Champions League, but it does beg the question why choose Citeh over the other potential moves, or why not stay at Villa. It is purely because Mr Barry, and I believe this is verbatim, is a fucking greedy git. After 12 years at Villa his so called ambition coupled with a 5-year deal and retirement fund and the chance to fight for first team football with a bunch of mercenaries leads him to be despised by fans of all clubs not just Villa… look forward to booing Barry at a stadium near you in the near future.

There have always been players who have stuck loyally to their clubs, notably Matt ‘Le God’ Le Tisser at Southampton and Alan Shearer who fought off the lure of Utd season after season to stick with his boyhood Nucassle, but the media attention sticks with the utter cunts of the world like Ashley Cole. I will refer to Ash from here on to ask ‘Cuntley’ for reasons apparent to even those less gifted individuals who are seen propped up against the window, drooling at the back of buses at 2pm on a Wednesday.

A brief history of Cuntley’s situation would go something like this - As a boyhood Arsenal fan and signing professional terms as a teenager, between 00/01 to the 05/06 season he won 2 Premier League titles and 3 FA Cups and played in the CL Final in 2006. He deserved a new contract and raise. Arsenal offered him a new contract and a raise in line with the other players at the club to which Cuntley was so appauled with he stated in his autobiography (as a side point if you do like to wipe your arse with paper already covered in shit…) he nearly crashed his car. This was on discovering from his agent Arsenal were only offering him a measly £55,000 a week. He proceeded to meet with Chelsea in secret, was fined for it and then fucked off the Chelsea anyway in a deal which saw William Gallas, who previous was so annoyed at being dropped and losing his shirt number to Ballack threatened to score own goals, move to Arsenal. He is the archetypal traitor.

Managers can hunt glory and money like players, you only have to look at Steve Bruce to see that...but don’t look for too long or you turn to stone like Conan’s parents. Brucie got a bonus when he left a midtable Palace side for an equally midtable Birmingham side, then decide Wigan would be a good move and now the new money men at Sunderland have taken the Newcastle fan Bruce’s interest. How long that 'beast and the beast' relationship will last will depend on what financial reward the next club offers him. Bruce to Newcastle seems a likely story to read in the next few years and wont Sunderland fans be impressed by the minimals of the man when that happens.

I can understand that money is important and the difference between fucking huge wages and fucking large wages makes a difference, but sometimes Mr Sidwell it does go horribly wrong. Cast you mind through the years and there have been traitors aplenty jumping ships like rats from club to club in search of big bucks, prepared to sit on the bench for half a season after leaving the clubs they have served time for.

I leave the biggest traitor of them all till last, a manager who shows such disregard continuously stabbing people in the back. Ladies and gentlemen I give you…Harry Redknapp. Twitching, always flustered, speedboat salesman Redknapp is an urchin of some standing and some history. This is a man who made his name at West Ham, happily claimed himself a boyhood Arsenal fan and then joined Spurs committing one of the most cardinal and heinous sins in London football. Adding to that his ship jumping aspects from Portsmouth to Southampton…then back to Pompey was so despicable even words cannot describe. He is the truly great traitor of this generation, like a modern day Guy Fawkes, motivated by money with a shameless desire to claw his way to the top by any means necessary jumping onto any coattail he can. Hated by Southampton, hated by Portsmouth, he leaves West Ham fans and used car salesmen disappointed by his actions.

Players sometimes forget where they came from, all too easily they think ‘oh I’ve had a good season I deserve a rise’ is that how it works in Asda?

‘Oh I’ve stacked those baked beans excellently, excuses me Mr Jones can you double my salary’, said Mr Sanders.

’No, fuck off back to work, that’s your job you ungrateful little oik’, said Mr Jones.

So to all the traitors that will move clubs this season I hope you all break your legs, get gangrene and have to have your cocks amputated.

CR7 off to Madrid?

Out favourite pantomime wanker Ronaldo seems to be in talks with Madrid for a potential €96m (about £3.50) signing. Hands up if you really honestly give a crap…? Noone? Nah same here. Maybe Real will actually manage to do something at the CL this year if they have Ronald as well as Kaka, might even give Barca a challenge.

Seriously though, what a dick.

Swagger Awards 2008/2009

This is not a team of the best players this season but the ones with the most swagger, entertainment value, personality and charisma. And don’t complain Ronaldo is not in the team… he is not cool… he is a greasy priiiick.

GK: Jussi Jääskeläinen – Keepers are a crazy bunch, but the best ones are usually robotic and studied like Van Der Sar, Buffon and Diego Lopez of Villarreal. But being studied and methodical in your approach doesn’t make you cool, it’s boring. Jussi Jääskeläinen however is a maverick who 'did no get the agenda no' about being orthodox. He makes up his own rules and fair play to the crazy Fin, it works. Normally calm, calculated and icey this Fin breaks the mould as a crazed, shaven albino chimp.

LB: Fabio/Rafael Da Silva - Identical twins… literally don’t need to say any more. Think 09’s De Boers. Apparently Fergie doesnt know which one is which, unlike the De Boers of course... Ronald was the shit one at Barca.

CB: Fabricio Coloccini - Argentinean. Check. Long wavy locks. Check. A fantastic combination. The sort of player who makes this team with such ease. With the laid back persona of a chilled Latino and the sort of mentally which saw him choose to sign for a club with a record like Newcastle. He is a cult hero already, you’ve got to love everything about him.

CB: Martin Skrtel – A lot of people think Vidic is the toughest CB in the premiership, an honourable mention for Alex as well for being no nonsense (JT misses out for crying like a girl and shattering his hard man persona) but Skrtel is a monster! Put together in a Frankenstein-esque manner from granite, T-1000 parts held together with diamond tether and Blue Circle cement, he lives in a cave, eats raw meat. It was once said ‘Martin Skrtel has two speeds: tackle and kill’. He is nails. Sickhead.

RB: Emmanuel Eboue – Booed off by a number of the Emirates faithful earlier in the year, Eboue splits opinion among Arsenal fans. Labelled a clown by some and a clown by others, he’s known for his dancing more than his footballing abilities. He once dressed as a tiger at a non-fancy dress party at Gilberto Silva’s house and hid in a cupboard to jump out and scared Adebayor. Manu’s finest moment has to be when he was invited to meet the Queen at Buck Palace where he was said to be rolling on the floor playing with the corgis.

CM: Marouane Fellaini - 6 foot 4 without hair, 7 foot 4 with it. A towering beast of a man, who has done his best to get booked in every game he could last season. Any man who sells more wigs than shirts is cool enough to get into this team. The afro is outstanding.

CM: Jimmy Bullard (C) – Everyone’s favourite joker, part of folklore wherever he’s played Bullard’s antics on the off the pitch mean most fans have warmed to him. Always a delight in interviews and a laugh on Soccer AM. Captain of the cool team for being the sort of guy you’d want to go for a pint with. He’s your everyday guy, a Sunday league player who made the big time through graft and hardwork. Bullard we salute you!

CM: Stephan Ireland – The man rolls into work with a shaved head and beard like his heads on upside down and does all that driving a Range Rover with pink wheels. Not only that but he has this hella confidence on the pitch with the ball playing with Robinho that is swaggerific to the upmost extent.

ST: Nickolas Bendtner – Like them on not, this guy wore first and claims to be the originator of the pink boots from Nike. Divided opinion? Surely they were successful just for the Nike viral featuring Franck Ribery as the pink panther.

ST: Crouch – The Robot. Abi Clancy. Crouchie is one of those people whose lives have gone a lot fucking better than it should have done! Once said after being asked what he would be if he wasn’t a footballer, “a virgin”. Gets a shit load of hate for being a green giant sweetcorn munching freakasauras but dusts his shoulders off and busts the skills in unlikely manner time and time again

ST: Welbeck – There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and tbh I don’t care whether Danny Wellbeck has crossed it or not. Strolls around the pitch like Kanu at 18 years old with the kind of swagger that you get from a hustlin’, dope boy, rubberband man. Looks like he really hasn’t got a point to prove when given the nod for a few minutes here and there. Scored on his debut for United this season, ping. Shit the goal was tasty. Waatcha gunna do.

England: Lions or Losers

Following on from England's 6-0 drubbing of lowly Andorra, The Drunken Tsar speculates on the future of the The Three Lions.

The days of the long ball, "Waz" and Steve McClaren seem hopefully behind them, and the appointment of Fabio Capello to England manager seems to be hands down, the greatest thing the English F.A has ever done. He has taken what seemed to be an uncultured, overpaid bunch of Prima Donna's and turned them into the disciplined professionals they now look like. Fair play, beating Andorra at home might not be up there with inventing the light bulb or scoring with a playboy model despite looking like garden gnome, but you can bet, this was the kind of game McClarens boys would of taken for granted, probably ending with Terry crying after hilariously heading in an own goal equalizer in the 91st minute.

But no, thankfully, McClaren fucked off to Holland and pretended he knew freaky deeky dutch. (or did he, just what the FUCK was he doing, the turnip). Anyways, he's gone, like a wart lazered off the backside of the Colossus, and England now seem on the rise again. Enter Fabio Capello, one of the worlds most prestigious and decorated managers. He's managed at Real Madrid, Milan, Roma and Juventus, winning domestic titles with all of them, not to mention the champion league with Milan in 93-94. Not so long ago people were calling for Sam Allardyce...fuck that!...get this guy in!....hes a god dam genius! For once the English F.A appeared to do the sensible thing. Now, onto his record with England. Barring two friendly away losses to Spain and France and a 2-2 draw with the Czech republic, he has an impeccable record. 7 out of 7 wins in WC qualifying, including a 4-1 away thrashing of Croatia in Zagreb is not to be sniffed at. The (old) boy's done good.

"Don Fabio" seems to have quietly revolutionized England's style and approach. No longer after 4 passes do they hump the ball 60 yards to a the daddy long legs that is Peter Crouch. England now seem to have a composure and guile last seen during the high point of Euro 96, beating Holland 4-1. Even England's great white hope, Wayne Rooney, actually seems to full filling his enormous potential. He's scored 8 goals in the last 7 games, making him top scorer in the qualifiers, interestingly eclipsing team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo. If Rooney can hold this form, there is no reason as to why the 2010 WC can't be "his year", in the sense that 1986 was Diego Maradona's or 1974's was Johann Cruyff's. Although having said this, if supersonic midget Leo Messi plays as well as he has been this season, Rooney's got no chance, 2010 is his. Endgame, Le Fin. GAME OVER. Leading on from "Wazza", Capello appears to go against the grain (traditionally) regarding team selection, he seems to rightfully favour meritocracy over McClarens "closed shop" policy as Stewart Downing revealed.

"In the past I always felt that the team was picked before we met up," he admitted. "But I don't think there are any automatic choices any more and it doesn't matter who you play for; if you are good enough you will get in."

The benefits of this are reaped in the excellent international form of Glen Johnson and Gareth Barry, both hardly given a look in with McClaren, now all but permanent starters in Capello's system. Even every bodies least favourite midfield duo, Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard, seem to have found a way to co-exist, albeit with Gerrard moving out to the left at times. Although the biggest story so far, has to be Theo Walcott. He is the Anti-Beckham. He literally is everything Beckham is not. Direct, edgy and raw. It will be interesting to see if he can build on his performance in Croatia and start to consistently cause teams real bother. Maybe he will light up the WC in 2010?

However, no matter how good England are, to win the WC it seems like they almost defiantly will have to beat Spain. Unfortunately, La Furia Roja seem to have reached some kind of footballing Nirvana at present, playing with the sort of fluidity, calm, finesse and downright ruthlessness normally attributed to T-1000. With any 3/4 of Xavi, Iniesta, Francesc Fabregas, Xabi Alonso, David Silva and Marcos Senna to man the midfield, its just ridiculous. Not to mention the striking duo of David Villa and Fernando Torres upfront, who Phil Jagielka will remember, no doubt in the same way that I remember "ChelseaFan1987", he raped me 7-0 on FIFA09.