Imagine being a player during a transfer window, sitting waiting for the phone to ring to hear Real Madrid had finally stump up the necessary funds to take you from your scouse residence to the plain of Spain. You should be imagining yourself with an ever increase amount of facial hair, face like a Moomin and think Basque accent. You should also imagine youself with Alonso 14 on your back.
After Kolo Toure becomes the John Terry that Mark Hughes always wanted, club captain Richard Dunne’s career as Eastland may parallel his surname. He’ll make a move to Sunderland in the coming weeks rather than sit on the bench watching the part Klingon, Joleon Lescott put his shirt on.
Spurs cut away the deadwood of Bent to bring in the towering oak, Crouch whose friendly plutonic relationship with both Defoe and Redknapp will delight Robbie Keane. It could be worse, as Roman Pavlychenko will find out so he will desert North London to join Roma.
Arsenal have money in the bank which is rapidly growing at Manu Eboo-ah will take his dancing antics to Florence, but this mean Patrick Vieira will be able to return home to Highbury, realise it’s now apartments and make the five minute walk around the corner to Ashburton Grove. “Sacrebleu” he will exclaim then promptly teach Alex Song the ways of a defensive midfielder.
West Ham want another striker, and being of Italian persuasion Zola will bring in hit and miss Mario Barwuah Balotelli so he can then let injury prone Ashton go to Stoke to free up space in the physio room for Kieran Dyer.
Finally with 2 weeks left till the season starts the panic buying may being as Hull realise they have done no business so far, Phil Brown will being his Churchill Dog act by saying “Oh Yes” to anything thrown at him lumbering him with a Chimbonda and a Barton because nobody else wants them.

